The first to say goodbye
by Iris7310
Summary: Would you give up everything that you've ever known to save the one that you love? Based upon the life of Isane Kotetsu 12 years after the war ended. it will probably contain some explicit scenes (girlXgirl) later in the development of the story, and will alternate between past and present.
1. Chapter 1

Why does it have to hurt so much? It's like I'm in a daze, everything around me feels like it's stopped in time when I hear those words.

'She's dead.'

I knew it was true the moment I saw him. But I couldn't suppress that tiny sliver of hope that rose to the surface that she might still be here.

I can't help but collapse to the ground. She had always reminded me that this day would come. I always knew that it would but I got too caught up on the idea of forever. Forever doesn't exist though. It never did. Never has. And everything will always continue to fade away before your eyes on the idea of forever...I know that now... But still... How can she just be gone? How can someone not be there anymore?

'I killed her.' he tells me. He doesn't face me. Doesn't show any remorse at all for the truth that springs forth from his mouth.

'If you hate me...you can always kill me.'

I don't hate him. I wish I did. I wish he would show even the tiniest bit of regret. But there is none shadowed beneath his exterior. This is what she had always wanted, I have to remind myself. But it doesn't dim the amount of gut wrenching pain I feel. It's like a part of me is missing now. My heart is being weighed down in my chest and I can hardly take it. My lungs burn with every breath of air I inhale, and I wonder why I still bother to allow this air to invade my lungs when she is gone. When the very realization has crumbled my entire world to nothing. Nothing will ever be the same again. I'm all alone. Again. But this time she is not there to save me from this.

There is no way to ever hide from it all. This is no terrible nightmare like so many of the others that I will soon awake from. I cannot escape from the reality in front of me. She will not soothe my fears in the middle of the night when I would wake to find her there. This will never happen again. _I will never see her again..._

I do not understand how I can continue to breathe, when my very soul has been ripped apart and my heart shattered to pieces within my chest.

But he has taken her name. The name 'Kenpachi' and for that I am glad. But I wish it hadn't ever happened this way.

Everything hurts. And in that moment I'm like a child again. Scared and alone with no way out.


	2. Chapter 2

_12 years later_

I guess that with some people, you're never meant to get over them. Because I still miss her. So, so much. I never thought about what that would mean to miss her until she was gone. On the days like these, where the clouds do nothing but pound rain down against this world and the tall trees sway in the cold wind outside, I wonder how I have ever managed to survive this long. It still fathoms me how the world continues to move, how everyone goes about their lives, and how it has not all come crashing down.

But it is still the same as it has always been with her gone, and I'm no longer surprised by this. I like to remind myself that I was lucky to have had any time with her at all, among the moments, days, months, and years that I spent along her side; no matter how short this time may have been.

Maybe it's because I've become so numb to it though that I barely register it anymore. Hardly think of her until I think of the colour of her eyes and my heart breaks a little more.

Maybe if I had left it all at our first meeting, I wouldn't be so heavily weighed down by this feeling of guilt and sorrow. Maybe if I hadn't have confided in her and made her open up, I wouldn't fell like this. Maybe if I had never let her become the light of my world, when I felt she never cared about me, I wouldn't have had my heart broken.

I had learnt at an early stage not to need anyone, but now I cry myself to sleep every night, because I need her and she's not here. I have to remind myself that she is no longer there to save me. That there is no one who can.

She wasn't an easy person to forget. Or get over.

A loud, vibrating crash from outside the ceiling to floor windows of the office I inherited from her brought me back to reality.

I stood up abruptly, looking through the glass to try to decipher what it was from, so close to the building, but all I could see was smoke and dust rising through the air; even this high up.

"Isane!" there was a ringing in my ears as Kiyone slammed the door open.

I felt the pounding in my head and forced myself to look over at her.

"What the hell happened?!" I said back, not noticing myself yelling out the words that struggled to come from my mouth.

"Seireitei's under attack!" the panic in her face was terrifying as I walked towards her. I'd like to say that in these past years, especially as a captain now, that I had learnt to put fear, and shock and everything else aside like she once had, but I haven't gotten to that point yet. If I am being honest I don't think I will ever grow enough to have the courtesy and calmness that I envied her of.

"What do you mean we're under attack? That can't be possible." I took another glance back.

"By what?" I finally asked.

She shook her head, confused.

"No one knows. Some of the others said they saw these figures dressed in black cloaks just outside and then something blew up a part of the west wing." she said all in a rush.

I ran quickly past her at that, hearing her hurrying behind me. If the west wing was destroyed, there had to be many people injured, or worse, a lot of people dead. Why did this have to happen. Twelve years of peace disrupted. But it had to happen eventually.

I heard the rush of people going past, yelling.

"Captain!" I heard more than once, something I still was not used to; as I entered the remains of the west wing.

People were lifting rubble, pulling people from underneath, the smell of smoke filling my senses. It was dark, hard to see. What could have cause this, was all I could think. Where were they? Were they waiting for an opportunity to strike.

And then I saw it. A dark figure dressed in black. And then another as I walked towards the edge of the building, the smoke clearing there. And then another, standing up on the rooftop of a nearby building. It was staring at me. I blocked out everything else in that second, as it pulled down the hood of the cloak. And there, I swear I saw that long black hair, and beautiful blue eyes again. She stood there for a few seconds, not taking her eyes of me, taking everything in, before disappearing. I looked to where the others had been and they were gone as well. And I stood there for eternities after, staring at that spot.

After her, there was no one else. Ever. I couldn't move on. She was the only one I wanted to love me. I waited for her to come back. I know it sounds stupid. But I thought maybe, somehow, someday, she would. And maybe that's why I feel the tinge of hope in me now.

**So far the chapters have been really brief and not as good as i had hoped but hopefully that will improve in future. the next chapter will be going back to the past, and most of the story will probably do this. Please review and let me know what you think :)


	3. Chapter 3

_Past_

The rain pounded hard against the ground meters below, as I exited my room and went searching for her. As I always did on nights like these. I would wander around, in the hopes that she would be there by chance, and she always would be. It made me wonder why she was there. Could she know that on the nights where I would be distressed like this I needed a solace. Or did she just hide her own misery and look for an escape herself.

Maybe tonight if she was there I would have the guts enough to tell her.

"Isane." I heard her soft whisper as I passed a corner, staring at the ground. I didn't even have to get far from my room. I had automatically come to her spot. _Our_ spot.

At first she startled me, as always. But there was something about the realization that it was only her, that brought a warm, safe feeling to me. Always. Even with what she would soon tell me.

She looked over at me and gestured for me to sit next to her. I did so nervously, fumbling as I always did, and smiled awkwardly at her. She was acting differently tonight. She looked sad. Worn out. Something I don't think many people have seen before. And her hair was out. But this wasn't news to me. But that scar in between her collarbone had always made me wonder. I'd never ask where it was from though, afraid of her reaction. So I distracted myself with the sky every time instead.

We sat there for what felt like hours in each others company, even though it was only a few minutes. That was what I'd always liked about her. That you didn't have to say anything.

"Isane?" I snapped my head towards her, not realizing she had been watching me whilst I stared out at the sky, lost in my thoughts.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, her brows furrowed.

I tilted my head, confused at her question.

"Of course! Why wouldn't it be?" I responded, putting on my brightest smile.

She didn't look convinced, a little disappointed actually.

I lied even though I have been staying up at night, wondering if I should tell her.

" _Is_ there something you've been meaning to tell me?"

I felt my face paled and a deep blush found it's way to my cheeks. There was no denying it.

'I love you.' I thought. But it never came out. My voice caught in my throat and wouldn't allow any of the words I had desperately needed to say to leave.

'I'm in love with you.' Somehow I'd hoped she'g get the message there as she stared into my eyes desperately, but of course she couldn't. Or maybe she did understand upon the many times that we had spoken without words.

It's like I wanted her to know, but I was always too afraid to tell her.

She raised a hand to my cheek and held it there, and I realised I had just been staring.

Embarrassed I moved away, causing her hand to fall from my cheek and I shook my head violently.

"N-NO. There's nothing." I said abruptly, not able to look at her.

I had lost all my courage.

She looked away and neither of us said anything, and for whatever reason I felt I had hurt her, or said something wrong.

But she didn't say anything. Didn't let me know.

Instead, a few minutes later her hand grazed mine.

"Captain?" I turned to her confused. She had never acted like this around me before. It was foreign to me to see her express so much and be so touchy so suddenly.

I found her fingers interlocking with mine but she still didn't look at me. I slowly closed my own stiff fingers between the spaces of her own, finding them fitting perfectly in the gaps.

"Isane...I've been meaning to tell _you_ something...but I'm afraid." she confessed to me.

I felt my heart pounding in my chest and the confusion rise inside of me. I didn't think this woman was capable of something like fear.

"Afraid of what?" I asked her.

She looked down at her lap as the seconds dragged on.

"That when I tell you, you'll run away. That you'll be frightened. Reject me..." the list went on.

"Why would I be?" I asked.

She paused for a moment, as if searching for the right thing to say.

"Because I know what you feel for me." she sighed and my heart nearly stopped in my chest.

"I know that you love me...But you don't really understand who I am...well, who I was...no, I still am that person, really. And when I tell you, I'm afraid you'll hate me." she spoke as if in frustration with herself. Like there was an inner battle going on that no one saw. Not even me.

I couldn't say anything. She knew I loved her. But what was she hiding that she so desperately needed to tell me. How could she ever think that I would hate her. I had never hated anyone in my whole life.

"I-I won't hate you. I could never hate you." I stumbled after a second.

She wouldn't look at me. It was like she couldn't or she refused to.

She looked held back, worried, but with a hint of something that I had never seen before.

"You are the only one that I trust enough to tell this to." she looked up at me then, as if deciding if she should continue. And at that I felt a deep responsibility to her, as if this was a mission or a task she was assigning to me.

I vowed that I wouldn't hate her. I wouldn't run away and hide. I wouldn't ever stop loving her not matter what the words that would come out of her mouth would turn out to be. And then she continue.

A/N: For the record I don't own bleach. Please review, it really helps. I don't know when the next update is going to be but it will be in Unohana's point of view. Any way I hope you've all liked the story so far, if you think there needs to be any improvements, or if you have future suggestions please let me know.


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